Mike Bond
University Of Cambridge

Security Research Group

The scariest three people you'll ever meet, unless you live in America.

In the beginning I knew three friends called Tim, Paul and Guy- good-natured, upright and trustworthy people. That was eight years ago. Between then and now, something went horribly wrong. Then commences a catalogue of misdemeanours, insanities, and general weirdness born out of an overwhelming desire to be rebellious and nasty without actually doing anything wrong or evil. Let me paraphrase the words of a great man, who could almost certainly have been describing them:

"They are angry. They are argressive. They are mindless. They are lawless. You can't reason with these sorts of people."

This is an apt description, apart from the wrong bits. Perhaps some more detail wouldn't go amiss...


Past Exploits

Unicycle Jousting

Badger learnt to unicycle in secret over the course of a few months. During that time, strange crop-circle like wiggly star symbols appeared mysteriously - the evidence of many attempts started from the same spot. Badger no longer unicycles much, but I do.

Stupidly Long Walks

We hung around on the isle of wight for a bit (left) , walked round the perimeter in 24 hours (centre), until we got tired (right)

Tower Building

They take any available opportunity to rearrange my furniture into big towers. What's worse is that these towers are really nothing to do with me, and they should in fact be build on Perky's bed, but he rarely stands for it. Myself, I rarely find out until it's too late.



Actually, this tradition has very little to do with dogs, and rather more to do with hot dogs, which we semi-regularly meet to cook and eat. Once the dogs have been suitably simmered in boiling water for the appropriate length of time, they must be prised from the cookng recepticle by hand. Strange, but true. Recently, dog bowls have been acquired by badger and the gimp for the special purpose of cooking dogs in. However, the two of them were keen to get down on all fours and regress back to some twisted childhood by lapping water from the said bowls.

Ahhhhh ... now that's more like it!

Climbing Things


In some senses, these two are self-explanatory! Either that or they're unexplainable.

It was the night before term ends and Barnwell was dead;
the students had partied and all gone to bed.
Exhausted they slept in their rooms as they should,
and Pinkie was bladdered, which was almost as good.
No-one had noticed the figure in black
who was scaling the wall to slink in at the back.
The front door was locked and laborious to pick,
but the hinges gave way way with a good hefty kick.
He opened the rucksack of veg that he loved,
and sought the key targets in which they were shoved.
Then, quarry located and taped to the wall,
the window was breached for a 2-storey fall.
The intruder rolled clear when he crashed to the floor
and the carrots exploded, being packed with C4.
He made for the distance, ignoring the flames,
arriving at Selwyn to continue his games.

The Perkster was dreaming of Op-Amps when found
flat out from the Horlicks he'd recently downed.
A tower was built up to several miles,
balanced with care on the duvet of Pyles.
The figure first checked there was no-one about,
igniting the bedclothes before running out.
The alarm woke the sleeper who groaned at the bell,
rolled over and yawned as the skyscraper fell.
His tormentor was watching, a smile on his lips
as the mountain came down to obliterate Cripps.

F13 Tit Hall was reached without fuss
and CDs were stolen from its resident wuss.
"Number One Country" was safe in the sack
when the badgers were loosed to commence their attack.
The building was filled with the terror of death
as the sleek cyborg monsters crunched bone and ripped flesh.
The Terrorist stood, munching burger in bun,
demonically grinning, a night's work well done.


Damn you and all of your kind,
I really don't care what goes on in your mind.
Send this to Freud whom you know oh so well,
but quite what he'd make of it, who can foretell?
He'd come out with something about queers I'm sure,
then brand you as 'wimp' - a state beyond cure.

This being said, we ought to make haste,
over to Barnwell, and to the Pinkster lay waste.
Much as he ought to consume his own booze,
I think the fun starts when we talk to confuse.
They'll be fur and stripes and stoats and stripes,
                         and badgers of every size;
yeah them insults laid as thick as bugs on the bumper,
and we won't even stop if he cries.
As he lies on the floor, an emotional wreck,
Should we do it? oh what the heck.
Out with the jam and the missile fuel,
the roll of Duck tape should see him stuck to the wall.
A confused whippet?
well, that doesn't rhyme,
I'll have to try harder with this next line:
He knows now he's a fool to have let us in,
as we get out the spoons for an original sin...

Over at Cripps we find the Pyler asleep,
as set out to perform an amazing feat.
Using his bed as a soft pedestal,
we construct a tower to amaze them all.
Babel complete the Pyles sleeps on,
until he feels the wrath of the Quantum Whackotron (TM).
El Pink and Il Perk admitting defeat,
it is Tesco's bound, a night's work complete.


Tedious Email Exchanges - Coming Soon - the entire archive of meaningless email conversations.

Deperkation - Feeling a bit perky? Or feeling perky a bit? We'll come and deal with it!


Important Vocabulary


Phrase Book

"Where is the perk?"

"Flaming perker."

"Bite me."


"Oh behave."

"... a roll of duct tape, an economy sized jar of jam, two litres of high-octane missile fuel, and a rather confused whippet."

"... a badger, half a pound of lard, and a nickel-plated shovel."

"We're on a mission from god."

"A Darned good stonk."

"A stupidly long walk."

"Did you hear that? They've shut down the main reactor..."

"Where will they be when the milennium comes..."

"There's a voice, that keeps on calling me. Down the road, that's where I'll always be..."

"What are we going to do tonight, Brain? - Same thing we do every night Pinky, Try to take over the world!"


Likes and Dislikes

Likes :

  • Country & Western
  • Dogs
  • Badgers
  • Being at Magdalene
  • Carrots
  • Ancient Languages
  • Pain
  • Whinnie the Pooh (In German)
  • Working Hard
  • Getting up Early
  • Self-abuse
  • Lard
  • Jujitsu
  • Book binding
  • Needlework
  • Quilting

Dislikes :

  • Tomatoes
  • Morris Dancing
  • His past
  • Spending Money
  • His future
  • Getting pissed like a student
  • Devon Desserts
  • Leighton Buzzard
  • Sweetie, crispy, sugary things

Likes :

  • Horlicks
  • 95 Tog Duvets
  • Freshly Ironed Jim-jams
  • Clean, starched grungies
  • Easy Listening Music
  • Y-Fronts
  • Ironing
  • Aprons
  • Marsh Mallows
  • Engineers
  • Fire
  • Gadgets
  • Carpets

Dislikes :

  • Late Nights
  • Long Walks
  • Large Meals
  • Wet Grungies
  • Punctuality
  • Marker Pens
  • Badger Tatooes

Likes :

  • [No known affections for anything]

Dislikes :

  • Perky
  • Badger
  • Mike
  • His Nickname
  • Other People
  • Country & Western Music
  • Badgers
  • Y-Fronts
  • Not Running
  • Normal Things
  • Deodourant
  • His Appearance
  • Words with more than one syllable
  • Art
  • Conversations
  • Happiness
  • Himself



I do not know any of these people. In fact, they don't actually exist. Any similarity to persons, places or events, real or fictious are purely coincidental.

Page created : 30th October '00
Last update : 1st November '00